The Fundamentals of Marriage

Thomas Agrusti

Prof. Barbara Andrew

Philosophy of Sex & Love

March 29, 2013

The Fundamentals of Marriage

            Allow me to begin with a cliché: “I, ____, take you, ____, to be my lawfully wedded(husband/wife), to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” These words have echoed through the halls of many churches, legal halls, and casino chapels, but many of us have forgotten the true meaning that these words hold. So many people have hurtled toward marriage like this holy end goal, while others gripe about the horrors that marriage create. I’d like to use this essay in order to lay the ground rules of what marriage is, what it takes to create a fulfilling marriage, and what marriage does not have to include.

            Throughout the course of this essay, I will make reference to several authors, citing words spoken in their articles, as provided in the book Philosophy of Sex & Love: A Reader by Robert Trevas, Arthur Zucker, and Donald Borchert. These authors include Immanuel Kant, and his “Lecture on Ethics” and “Philosophy of Law” (p. 125-129); Richard Taylor and the excerpt from his book Having Love Affairs (p.138-139); Lawrence Casler and his “Permissive Matrimony: Proposals for the Future”; and finally, Richard Wasserstrom and his article “Is Adultery Immoral”.

            The four fundamentals that we will be focusing on are as follows: first, we will be discussing love and fidelity in all of its forms; next, we will be looking at the reciprocal nature that marriage must have in helping and humanizing all those involved; finally we will look at communication & compromise (C&C), which are two elements necessary to sustain marriage. Afterwards, we will explore common misconceptions about marriage.

            Quintessential to marriage is love, which is we shall define as “an affection, trust, and service between two or more persons in a physical, mental, and possibly spiritual manner.” The physical aspect would be the desires of each person(s) in regards to sex and physical health. The mental aspect would incorporate any psychological functions, such as emotional and social health. Dependent on the persons involved, the group may want to incorporate a spiritual aspect, which would involve adherence to religious or spiritual properties they may practice. These aspects of love change in their absolute meaning based on the agreements made between those involved. True fidelity is defining these aspects between all those involved, and adhering to them. Once all persons are comfortable with their definitions and parameters, all of those involved are able to coexist within the relationship and thrive as they seek best. This comes into play as well when we talk about C&C.

            Kant sets up the principle that all humans should treat humans as human, and any degradation of a person’s humanity is morally wrong. In the case of sex and love, a person acts in an immoral way when they objectify another person as a means to an end, the end being sexual pleasure. Sex, as Kant proclaims, is only justified when the persons involved in the act of sex love each other, further confirming and committing to that love through marriage. In this way, the persons involved treat each other as humans, seeking to care for the other outside of sex, and using the act of sex in order to gratify the other person(s), which in turns gratifies the self. This mutual exchange of sexual service, and furthermore loving service, creates a reciprocal relationship where all those involved serve and treat each other in a moral, human manner.

            Once these fundamentals are in place, a marriage can be established. After a marriage is set up, all those involved need to use proper communication and compromise. Communication encompasses the expressing of one’s thoughts and desires to the group in an unbiased manner. This allows all those involved to have a clear scope of that each person is looking for in the relationship. If there is a conflict at any point in time, be it caused by miscommunication, unfortunate circumstances, or otherwise, then problem solving, or compromise, is necessary. Through compromise, all those involved in the relationship can choose what they are comfortable in changing or sacrificing in order to promote harmony within the marriage. Most marriages fail because of an inability or a failure to communicate and/or compromise. By practicing harmonious communication and compromise, a marriage can grow, thrive, and succeed.

            Now that we have the fundamentals of what a marriage is, we shall discuss many of the misconceptions of marriage. One of the first misconceptions is that marriage is exclusive, meant only to be between two people. This does not have to be true, but it can be preferred. Intrinsically, people have different ideas and practices that they may or may not be comfortable with. For example, a heterosexual man can feel uncomfortable being physically intimate with another man. This is not because there is anything immoral about practicing homosexuality, but because this is something that the first man is not personally comfortable with. With this in mind, there are persons who enjoy a sexually active lifestyle, enjoying the company of multiple partners. Kant’s principle requires love in order to justify sexual behavior, but it is the love that is quintessential justify sexual behavior, and marriage affirms that love through commitment. However, it is possible for a person to love more than one person. Wasserstrom gives the example of a parent who has four children. The parent loves each of his or her children equally, and has no preference of one over the other, and never withdraws love from one to attend to another (p. 174). In this same way, Man A, Man B, and Woman A, who are all bisexual, can love one another and maintain a reciprocal relationship. As long as all of them practiced the fundamentals of marriage, they would have a moral relationship.

            Casler furthers this idea in his article on permissive marriage. Permissive marriage is a compromised form of marriage, allowing all persons involved in the relationship to summarize what they want from the marriage and pursue that in a harmonious, legal, and moral way. Permissive marriage would allow persons involved in a marriage to maintain a sexually active lifestyle with persons other than they spouse, would allow group marriages, and any combination of marriage and living that the persons involved could desire. This also breaks one of the common misconceptions that sex and love in marriage must be exclusive those involved in the marriage. Through proper communication, those involved in the marriage can agree on what types of sexual practices everyone is comfortable. These practices may seem unconventional, but they are not intrinsically immoral. It is when deception and promise breaking is involved that the act becomes immoral. This is the definition of true infidelity: the breaking of predetermined promises.

            This also flows into one of the final misconceptions about marriage: Infidelity and adultery are strictly sexual acts. In Taylor’s book, he describes a situation where there is an emotional expression of infidelity. In this example, a husband is emotionally cold to his wife, and his wife seeks refuge in another man. Marriage is meant to be reciprocal in every aspect, and when a person does not provide for and support their spouse(s), they are breaking the initial promise(s) that their marriage represents. In this way, infidelity can be expressed physically, mentally, and even spiritually. It is up to those involved in the relationship to provide and care for one another in all of these aspects. If they cannot, then they need to communicate that inability and compromise. For example, let’s say a husband and wife are married and the wife’s father passes away. The husband, who has never lost a loved one, does not know how to help his wife through the grievous time. The wife’s best friend, however, has also lost her father. The husband and wife can communicate and compromise to see the wife consoled by her best friend in order to be helped through this harsh time in a way that the husband could not. This does not take away from the husband’s role or person, but instead provides a way for the marriage to overcome this obstacle and encourage that harmonious state that marriage is meant to have.

            Marriage is not a ball and chain. It is not the end of fun, or sex, or adventure. It is exactly the opposite of all of those things. Marriage creates a loving relationship between people who seek to serve one another. Marriage creates a reciprocal relationship where those involved can experiment and try things that they may otherwise never have the security to try. A great marriage can survive the most brutal obstacles. With this in mind, return to our original cliché, and notice the true meaning of these famous words.