obSESSIONS

Thomas Agrusti

Life

February 22, 2012

Obsession

I’ve been pondering the idea of obsessions recently. I’ve noticed that I, as one may easily note by this point, pay extreme attention to certain things others might not notice or might simply find mundane. Throughout this essay, I shall be listing the many obsessions I am currently holding to, and aim to directly benefit them in some way, shape, or form.

Thusly, I shall define an obsession. The control in this experiment of thought would be a question. However, many questions that I ask may self are dismissible with an answer quite soon after they are presented. It is when they can not directly be answered immediately that they become an obsession, a topic with advanced forms of focus and deduction laid upon it. As such, an obsession is simply a question that I have yet to answer, and in turn, pay special, extended periods of time pondering them for an answer or a course of action due to them. Thusly, they are obSESSIONS: OBservationsal SESSIONS. Thus is one way of thinking of the matter from my perspective. Humor is meant to be a perspective of philosophy when we realize how ironic our lives truly are. However, with this stated, I shall move into my first, light hearted topic.

                The Hallelujah Chorus

Firstly, I shall start with a true obsession, but not one of great intensity, as it may or may not even affect the direct course of my life, but is present nonetheless. In 1741, George Frideric Handel wrote his greatest orchestral-choir piece, known as Messiah. Included in this epic collection is the famous and highly revered Hallelujah Chorus. Since hearing this song in the beginning of the 2011 – 2012 school year, it has been on an indulgent repeat. I’ve been examining its original sheet music, listening constantly to the composition, as well as pondering a solo version of the song. This is a minor obsession as it is more for the sake of enjoyment, as well as the fact that it doesn’t directly affect my philosophical perspective. This brings me into my second obsession.

Plays and Productions

I’ve been crafting several ideas for a play and a movie, both musicals, involving the constant flow of modern-esque music. However, as I have been personally cursed with, I have the inability to complete a project once started. As such, the idea of starting a musical production is near impossible and implausible in my mind. As such, however, I am allowed to play with the idea indefinitely, forever crafting a story, adding songs and scenes, letting myself watch an ever growing movie, always fitting to my own vision. This is quite pleasant, as I am one who believes thoroughly in the belief that it is the mind and the concept of fantasy that presents more reality that the manifested world in front of me. Thus ends the minor notes of obsessions and moves us into the grander topics, starting still with the least impactful.

Beauty

Due in part to a recent romantic pursuit, I’ve been learning more about and working more towards exterior, cosmetic “beauty”. I use quotations since this is obviously the topic of debate. I have always, and still, enforce that is beauty of the mind that is more valuable than perceieved perfection of the skin and scalp. As such, I have examined the concept of beauty and taken note of its vicious cycle. In theory, when we look at the reflection of ourselves in the mirror, and find what we would label as imperfections, I.e. acne, blackheads, redness, etc, we immediately label our current status as “not good enough,” working then to “improve” on this front. Thusly, we buy cosmetic products to fill our faces with. As such, we craft our faces to become a matter of human creation, which, by common definition, would make it an artificial product, not one that is naturally our own. Mind you, this is a shallow point to say the least, but the argument continues forward with a new psychological theory. Once we examine ourselves,

 I find it difficult to conclude that we ever become truly consent with our standing. This is enforced by the fact that we use daily routines, daily product, things that, if we stopped using them, we would return to the “hideous shells we once inhabited,” or, a person is led through constant discontentment, never being satisfied with their outward appearance, despite the fact that they might be considered to be one of the top 10% when it comes to cosmetic possibility.

 With this theory in mind, we move the perspective of the reflective eye being placed on another human. Once we have become so bent on finding every flaw on ourselves, we start looking more intensely on others, thinking of ways to “improve” them and “fix their problems.” In such a case that this introspective person becomes the cosmetic judicator over others, we have taken our standards and placed them on a near unreachable level, since we crave finding flaws at this point, and discontentment becomes our water.

This is my obsession with beauty, and it bickers me still because of my debate between health and beauty, two things that become one in the same one looking at our supermarkets aisle list. In one sense, health would imply hygiene, which means that dissolving acne and cleaning blackheads would be beneficial to your health and prevent any types of pain or infection. On the other hand, it is when the pursuit becomes exterior beauty and not health that this quest becomes destructive, as I explained in the previous paragraphs. Presently, I feel distinguishing the two is quite a challenge. For one to focus on health entirely and find it to be the primary conclusion seems quite difficult. Mind you, it is difficult in the sense that learning the violin or running 10 miles is difficult. Not impossible, as many have done it and proceeded to succeed themselves in greater factors, but it still lays as a looming goal nonetheless. While one speaks on the perspective beauties, mind and body, I feel it only necessary to move onto the romantic debate in my mind.

Mate

Now, I use mate in more of a casual, Australian-esque sense of the word, but with implied weight. I’d like to find a woman who finds joy in being with me, who desires to study me, but not admire and praise me past positive support. With no intention of narcissism, I have been a trophy compared to someone I’ve dated, and despised every moment. I have also been ignored and forced into a state of distraught. Thusly, I’d like to find someone who is always seeking the most fun out of a situation, someone who would love to some over just to paint a new room, take a nap together, or randomly go hiking in the middle of February. I have seen these types of connections, and believe that it is plausible that such a person exists, not presently in the population that I socially interact with, but in this world and in the indefinite power of God’s divine will. Mind you, I submit myself to His will, and, if he should have other plans for me, I shall happily accept them. But I still abide that this is my pursuit and obsession, as I am constantly analyzing possible mates in every woman I meet, imaging what events in my life would look life if she was there beside me.

However, I also bring myself to restrict depression through desire, as this would be more destructive to my overall goal rather than benefiting me with any sort of drive or added ambition. With this in mind, I live every day in euphoric anticipation for the days I may one day spend with her. And she will be a wonderful woman.

With this topic presented, I shall move forward to a new topic.

Job opportunity

This one I shall explore with only shallow attention as it is, in turn, a shallow topic, being more of a regret than an obsession. While working one day and presenting myself with a sophisticated, yet humorous tone in an accent derived from the people of Birmingham, I met a gentleman who apparently owned a small financial company near the region that I live. However, being close to the end of my day at work, I had little energy to fully examine the situation. In the end, I gave him my number shook his hand, and showed mixed interest in the job opportunity that he presented to me, tossing in the word management in the conversation I remember. However, in this mind fog, I neglected to obtain his number. As such, I still await a call like a high school student waiting for his crush to call him. Quite an unfortunate position for me, but one that I must accept; should the Lord’s will be that I take this job, I feel that he will call at the proper time. Until then, no action can be taken on my part.

With this topic fully explored, I enter into what is currently my final and most powerful obsession

Alpha Theory

A philosophy is a category that one fits into based on the variables and factors present in one’s philosophical perspectives. However, one must also be witness to the fact that it is you, the reader, the thinker, the philosopher, who defines your philosophy, you define how you live, not your philosophy. You do not choose to meditate for an hour because you’re a Taoist, you are a Taoist because you choose to meditate for an hour.

As such, I am an existentialist who defines what it means to me to be an existentialist. To me, one of the primary goals of living this life is self-actualization, the constant process of bettering yourself by your own definitions, and finding limitless pleasure in doing so. As such, I believe that nirvana is the perfect process, not the final product of being the best, for that would lead to ultimate disappointment, equivalent to the quote of Alexander the Great, “He looked over the vast lands that made up his kingdom, and wept, for there were no more worlds left for him to conquer;” nirvana for my existentialist mind is to find a perfect process where whatever can be improved can be improved optimally. The step by step process to live and learn that is the most proficient is what I strive for: to be the best I can be, yes, but to also become the best at becoming the best I can be, judging only myself in the matter, as I feel can only be justified by myself.

However, the debate comes in the Alpha theory, which is the question of the human races capacity to do the same. As stated before, I make no claims to becoming a narcissist, for I believe that the only person I am truly better than is myself and who I can become, yet I cannot ignore the fact that I have been taught psychological lessons that certain people, be it by genetic construction, neuropsychological and neurophysiological reasons, or one’s upbringing, cannot even fathom becoming better by any means. In turn, the idea ends when thinking that one’s best might be the ceiling they may eventually run into. Though worded as such, it is mildly depressing, but think of the “Brave New World” lifestyle: In order for there to be medical doctors, there has to be an oil rig worker who makes sure the gasoline gets to his car, the factory worker who makes sure the hypodermic needles are made and shipped, the nurse who takes the initial examinations, and the kitchen workers, who deliver the patients meals to the room. The doctor, in turn, is not the most important variable in this equation of maintaining life and social construct, but simply another variable and equal part. True, it takes a certain person to face the stresses of medical school, along with the trial that is internship and residency, and such people may be seen as great people, but it also takes a person to be able to wipe down the bedpans at the end of the day. In the same way a janitor may not have the devotion to become a doctor, a doctor would probably have either too much “dignity” to wash a bedpan, or simply not desire to commit to learning the proper cleaning and storage process. In turn, the janitor becomes a necessity, and a valuable player in life’s great equation. As such, if we had a society of super geniuses, who would mop the floors at night, and stock the shelves at Macy’s; these people are all part of our society and deserve as much praise as the war hero, the lawyer, and the teacher.

This, in turn, settles one argument. However, I know myself all too well to think I’ll ever be content with having nothing to think about in terms of the Alpha, the best person, the best on can become of one’s self.

Currently, my obsessions seem to be stated and known to myself and any person who shall ever read this in history, if any.

                With all such aid, I wish you a merry day and a blessed life!

                Living in His Name,

Thomas Agrusti